


The Irony Of Being Alone

by TheifOfTime



Series: SelfHarmStuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-03
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-10 06:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/782626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheifOfTime/pseuds/TheifOfTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider is frusterated and alienated and upset. Without feeling able to talk to Bro, he turns to a knife.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Blood On The Carpet

**Author's Note:**

> T.W. cutting.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you are FRUSTERATED and ALONE. You are also the COOLEST dude you know, besides Bro, which is why you must KEEP IT TOGETHER. What will you do?

Definetely not keep it together, that's what. Currently you are on the bathroom floor sobbing and trying not to get blood on the carpet. Why is there a carpet in the bathroom? Bro thought it would be ironic since the rest of your house has tile flooring. 

Your thoughts are getting off topic. You glance down at the blood running down your wrist. In a fit of anger and frustration you picked up a box cutter and sliced away. You carefully apply pressure to the gauze as your sobs turn to hiccups. 

Why would you do this though? Your'e tired and frusterated and depressed. All your life youv'e been trained to have a constant poker face and hide your weaknesses and only make ironic jokes. But lately the kids at your high school have been less than impressed.

And it's hard. You keep your anger bottled in. You ignore them, even as they call you freak and dickhead and pussy. Even as they push you into walls and smack your papers out of your hands.

You want to talk to Bro about, rant and sob and have him tell you everything will be ok, but you know that could never happen. 

Because your DAVE STRIDER and your the COOLEST PERSON YOU KNOW, besides Bro of course. And you couldn't bare too see the disappointement on his face when he sees how pathetic you are.

So instead you take it out on your wrists.

It started as just a few small scratches. The feeling cold and new and suprising. Then it became an addiction. Every hurtful word or act or glance had found it's way onto your wrist.

You glance down at the countless scars and scabs and scratches.

And you cry.

Just letting out the frustration and pain.

You cry.


	2. Cleaning Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T.W. cutting

You quietly pick yourself off the floor. You slip the boxcutter in a drawer under a towel. You bury your face in your hands and your eyes smart. But you hold back the tears as you walk out of your room.

You head into your bedroom, slipping on a fresh unbloody long sleeve shirt. Even in winter Texas is still warm, and people have been giving you funny looks. But it's better than getting sent to a mental hospital you guess.

The sleeves of the shirt are red, in case your cuts re-open. They have before only once, and he was *this* close to getting caught. You're more careful now.

You walk back into the bathroom, rinsing out the sink in there. You watch as that thick sickly red thins out and you close your eyes.

Your threatening to break again, you feel fragile and volatile at the same time and you hate it. You just want to lie down and give up. Mabey cut too deep or fall off the roof of your apartment.

You sigh.

The door opens.

Shit.


	3. Midnight Moans

The last of the blood drains as you scramble around, flatteing yourself against the counter to hide the red tinged sink.

A tan face and muscular body stands in the doorway, his bemused expression covered by shades "Bro!" you gasp, shifting your weight from foot to foot "I'm trying to take a fucking piss!" Your eyes dart around behind your shades as you check to make sure all of your supplise is hidden.

The man chuckles. "Chill out lil man. I just got home and when you didn't answer me yelling your name, i came looking for you."

You roll your eyes, agitated with the thought of your pathetic sniveling self practicly bleeding to death while he calls your name, so unaware. 

"How long have you been home?" you inquire nonchantly, trying to hide your fearful expression at being caught doing something as shameful as this.

Bro looks curious but not suspicious. "Only a few seconds. I was rushing to tell you i'm having someone over tonight."

You freeze. You HATE it when Bro brings home someone he found at the club, keeping you up with thick moans and the wrong name. You didn't want to scream while he sticks his over-sized dick in you, just to pay as much attention as he gives those men and women to you. Mabey if he spent as much time with you as he did with them, you could tell him how you feel instead of spelling out your emotions as scars on your wrists.

"Make sure you clean up the house buddy. We don't want some pretty young creature to run screaming when she sees the condition this bathroom is in." His eyebrow shoots up and you glare back.

He walks away, calling over his sholder "I'M GOING TO THE STORE BE BACK IN A FEW." and leaves you there. Among the hidden knives abd hidden gauze and hidden scars. And here you find yourself, once again, crying and wishing he was here. To hold you. To help you. To stop you from what youv'e become.


	4. The Lying Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T.W. cutting

The door shuts and the lock clicks. You breathe a sigh of relief. You couldn't bear to see his face if he caught you. You amble around the bathroom, picking up dirty towels and empty hair canisters (courtesy of Bro) as your thoughts run wild.

Your assuming the person coming over will be Jake English, the over-tanned island boy who Bro has gotten attatched to lately. He personally doesn't bug you, you can see Bro's attraction to him, but when he's around you never get a second glance. It's always about someone else, never you. You just want to hold a glitteringvsign saing "LOOK AT ME. I'M YOUR YOUNGER BRO WHO ONLY WANTS YOU TO AT LEAST ASK HOW HIS DAY WAS" but of course that's just another fantasy.

You pick up the blade again, feeling the cool metal tip bury into the side of your hand. You slowly draw it across, the pain in your hand taking away from the pain in your chest and the sickly sweet tang of blood clearing your head.

You stand there for a few seconds, mesmerized by the thick red pushing through. And the door swings open.

You can't believe you forgot to lock it.

"Bro!" you yelp, slamming your back into the sink.

"Your bleeding lil man." Bro frowns "What happened.

"I was..." you search for an excuse "Whittling!" you say triumphantly "My knife just slipped." you say, holding out a bloodied hand. 

Bro looks skeptical but nods. "Are you ok Dave?" you know he's talking about your hand but you sense the underlying true concern in his tone. 

NOW! your head screams JUST TELL HIM WHAT'S WRONG HE'LL UNDERSTAND! HE'LL HELP! But your'e sure your'e wrong. So you grit your teeth, force a smile, and in the manliest voice you can muster you pitifully mew "Yeah i'm fine..." sighing in relief as the older man turns away.

"Ok lil man. Just be more careful next time." you frown at his chastising tone "Good job on the bathroom though." You smile, your face lighting up with the praise.

Your secret is still safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long to get up! First time writing the chapter i exited out and lost my progress, and the second time i fell asleep in the middle and lost all my progress X(


	5. Of Tantrums And Hissyfits Part1

Later that evening Jake comes. "Strider!" the overly-tanned island boy calls with a wink to your Bro. "And young Strider." he says to you with a hair ruffle. You swat his hand away and glare, stalking off to your room.

You know the hurt puppy dog-eyed look Jake has, you see the same look on Jade all the time, but you don't turn back and apologize. He's the reason Bro doesn't love you anymore so he doesn't deserve your kindness. Bro doesn't love you anymore? You stop and ponder the thought, pushing away angry tears when you realize it's true. That has to be it! Jake is just a replacement you. You're worth nothing in this house. 

You throw yourself on your bed and drown in self pity. Pity. Who needs pity when you have a better way of coping? Definetely not you.

You wipe your snot and tear covered face and walk to the bathroom. Making sure to lock the door, you pull out the knife. The sound of their laughter only fuels your anger.

"Nobody likes me." one thin cut. "I'm all alone." a second cut is added. "Bro.." you choke and squeeze your eyrs shut. "Bro doesn't love me anymore!" this cut is longer and deeper than the others. The pain is dull and comferting and familiar compared to all the hurt in your chest. 

You wipe up the blood and step out of the bathroom. "DINNER" Bro yells. You grunt in return and trudge to the rarely used table.

Jake is smiling like an idiot as Bro passes out some Mac and Cheese. "Wow Strider this looks great!" You sniff and frown. "Thanks for dinner Dirk!" the stupid bloke says cheerfully. You stiffen. Dirk. He called your Bro DIRK. You shove your chair back. 

"I'm done." you announce abruptly, turning to leave. Bro grabd your sholder.

"No. I don't know why you're being such a prick tonight but goddammit i made you dinner now come eat."

"NO!" you yell, threatening to break. "I'M NOT HUNGRY LEAVE ME AND GO EAT WITH YOUR STUPID BOYFRIEND. YOU ALWATS LEAVE ME ANYWAYS!" You know your totally losing your cool and throwing a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is part one of the chapter! Sorry if the way i portray Dave is so weak and out of control but everyone breaks down sometimes and gets upset so he's only being human!


	6. Tantrums And Hissyfits Part2

fit and was acting like a bitch but you were so fed up. Your defiant glare falters when you see the hurt look on his face though.

"I'm sorry Dave. You know i love you and only want the best for you. Why didn't you tell me you felt abandoned?" He says softly.

Your throut tightens. "Because Striders are always tough. They never break down or lose control. They never need to depend on others..." your voice trails off misribly.

"Oh my god kid. You know that you can be tough without being a robot. I'm always here for you."Bro says, his voice thick with regret. 

You choke on a sob. "I thought you didn't love me anymore." you admit, unable to hold the man's blazing orange gaze.

He takes off both of your glasses and tilts your chin up to his. "Hey Dave you know i love you so much. You're the best little bro i could ever ask for and i wish i had been there for you. I'm so sorry." Bro chokes out a tear trickling down his smooth tan face. 

You're both openly crying now, hugging each other tightly. All of a sudden, the pain in your chest was dull, only a reminder of your emptyness.

Suddenly Bro's face contorts. "Dude whittling is lame. You were not whittling, were you?" Bro's voice was wobbly and concerned.

Shit not again.


	7. Forgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humungoes apology, not even sure if being this late is humane! Final chapter up tomoro... Thanks<3!

You immedietly stiffen, pulling back from Bro's sharp, persistant gaze. "Whittling? Nah man whittlings the shit." You stutter nervously, eyes vurnurable and naked without your shades.

"Dave." Bro's voice is firm but persistant. "Look me in the eyes and say that again.

Your gaze flickers around as you mumble "Yeah Bro whittling is awesom man it's better than turntables you like do stuff... with like wood and stuff and you make this totally bitchen um stuff and yeah." You wince at your rambling, uneasy voice.

Bro's eyebrows raise "David Elizabeth Strider you are a fucking horrible liar. Give me your arm." You notice a underlying tremor of fear in his voice, as though he doesn't want to see.

You decide 'fuck it, i'm giving up.' and halfheartedly hold out a limp arm. Bro g-hesitantly pulls the sleeve back, mouth dropping in horror of what he sees.

You're disgusting.

"Did... Did you do this to yourself lil man?" Bro forces out, his voice cracking and broken. 

You nod, unable to speak.

Gingerly he traces the ribbons of cuts, some old some new, as you watch in fasination as tears skide down his tanned cheeks. His fingertips are calloused but gentle, curcling over a couple super deep ones over and over. 

"I'm sorry Dave. I let you down. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry i forcedS you to go to such extremes. I wish you had come to me first."


	8. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! I sure had fun writing this, thanks!

Your heart just breaks hearing this. You flinch "No Bro! Don't say that. I-I thought you didn't love me anymore and-" Bro cuts you off.

"Dave i love you so fucking much you are the best lil bro ever and you never forget that. I would never stop loving you."

His voice is full of hurt and you realize how much you fucked up. "Bro... I'm sorry." you sob, buying your face in his arms "I was selfish and wrong and i need your help." The last part came out quieter as you strain to her his reply.

"Dave i will always be here to help you. You can always tell me what's wrong with you and i will never leave." His voice is cracked with raw emotion as he strokes your hair.

"You are strong and smart and amazing." Bro repeats this until both of your crying subsides and you lift a tear-stained head.

"Thank you." you murmur, stroking your scarred wrists "Thank you." you murmur as the tears restart and Bro promises scar cream and quality time and love. "Thank you" you murmur as you finally see a bright future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next in this series will be about Vriska, and i'm thinking of doing some Davekat soon :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope it wasn't too terrible! I'm going to try and write one for every charecter, but idk.


End file.
